By Daniel Jurek | October 25, 2016 | Pax Renewal Center, Lafayette, LA
“I was asleep but my heart kept vigil. I heard my lover knocking: “Open to me, my sister, my beloved, my dove, my perfect one! For my head is wet with dew, my locks with the moisture of the night.” (Song of Songs 5:2)
In her book Hold Me Tight, Dr. Sue Johnson offers a short quiz to help couples begin to discover their relationship through the attachment lens. Dr. Johnson is the creator and animator of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). 75% of couples report increased marital satisfaction with their relationship when doing EFT.
This questionnaire will help you begin to discover how attached you feel towards your spouse. You can complete this on your own, or you and your spouses can each complete the quiz and discuss your answers together to discover how Accessible, Responsive and Engaged the two of you are.
Simply read each statement and circle T for true and F for false.
From your point of view is your partner accessible to you?
- I can get my partner’s attention easily. T F
- My partner is easy to connect with emotionally. T F
- My partner shows me that I come first with him/her. T F
- I am not feeling lonely or shut out in this relationship. T F
- I can share my deepest feelings with my partner. He/she will listen. T F
From your viewpoint, is your partner responsive to you?
- If I need connection and comfort, he/she will be there for me. T F
- My partner responds to signals that I need him/her to come close. T F
- I find I can lean on my partner when I am anxious or unsure T F
- Even when we fight or disagree, I know that I am important to my partner and we will find a way to come together. T F
- If I need reassurance about how important I am to my partner, I can get it. T F
Are you positively emotionally engaged with each other?
- I feel very comfortable being close to, trusting my partner. T F
- I can confide in my partner about almost anything. T F
- I feel confident, even when we are apart, that we are connected to each other T F
- I know my partner cares about my joys, hurts, and fears. T F
- I feel safe enough to take emotional risks with my partner. T F
Give yourself 1 point for each T. If you scored 7 or higher you have a secure bond and you and your spouse are accessible, responsive and engaged; congratulations! Most couples find that either one or both partners scored lower than 7 which indicates you could benefit from a marriage workshop or couples therapy.